It was supposed to be McSweeney's Monday

But it is Friday. Oh well.
My favorites so you don't have to go find them yourself:

Lists:
Things I Have Learned From Ex-Boyfriends.

BY MEGAN ROBIN

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It is impossible to compel someone to speak to you.

Sid Vicious was a member of the Sex Pistols.



Past and Future Magazine Titles That Map Our Intellectual Decline.

BY ANDREW DEPASQUALE

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Cosmopolitan

People

InStyle

InTouch

Us

Star

OK!

Shiny!

ROTFLMAO

Long Slide Into Atrophic Dementia Weekly

Which Side of These Pants Is the Front?

Uhh

Soft Gurgling Noise


Lies Printed on My Waffle Iron.

BY ANNIE MACKEY

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Magic

Easy Clean


Unlikely Disasters.

BY GABE KOPLOWITZ

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Sun and moon collision

All eyeballs turn to wood

Tornado made of fire

Sea mammals attack world's financial centers

Mountains leave

Colin Firthquake



Review of New Food:
General Foods International Suisse Mocha

Submitted by Sara Sligar

Suisse Mocha comes in a small tin whose color I always think of as red, although only about 10 percent of the surface area is actually red. The rest is covered with pictures of European-looking chocolate beverages and an "International Recipe" that involves the phrases "flavor destination" and "indulgent recipe." I will translate this quintessentially European text into American for you: "Mix with hot water."

Over winter break, aided by my mother and her MasterCard, I procured several tins of this magic stuff, intending to carry them back to my dorm room once school resumed. And carry them back I did. Traveling from the wild plains of the Midwest on the wild planes of American Airlines, I spirited my bounty back to New England. Ecstatically, I cleaned a mug. Breathlessly, I heated water. Filled with incandescent hope, I drank. And it was magnificent.

Nothing can equal the delicious blend of coffee and hot chocolate that is Suisse Mocha. Staring out my window at the winter-stripped tree branches and the icy ground, I mentally relocated myself to a chic Parisian café. My life was suddenly amazing. Colors were brighter. Sounds were stronger. Every day since then has been an unstoppable dream.

One day, a couple weeks ago, I went to the hot-chocolate machine in the dining hall and saw the other spigot, which spurts out a coffee drink that I have heard colloquially referred to as "the most disgusting sludge ever." The less refined have called it "shit." Curious, I looked closer, to see what terrible beverage could have elicited such a response from my peers, who, in my experience, seem willing to imbibe essentially any liquid created.

The label said: "General Foods International Suisse Mocha."

According to Wikipedia, mocha is "an American invention" that is "mostly unknown in Italy and other continental European countries."

Sugar Daddies

Submitted by Leigh Duffy

I love these caramel pops. When I was little, I would eat these on long family trips to pull my baby teeth out. Worked every time—although, if I had one tooth I initially planned on losing, the thick, unforgiving caramel would inevitably rip out two others as well. It was a satisfying pain, made tasty by the delectable combination of sugary sweetness and blood pooling in my mouth. For this reason, I recommend Sugar Daddies to all families with young children.